Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
