based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
