So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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