You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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