Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
