Your face is a jimmy john
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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