I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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