So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
