her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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