she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
