I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
