i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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