We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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