I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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