The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
