the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
