I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
