well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
