Just took my morning after pill in the library
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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