those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
