Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Randomize
