Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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