I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
