Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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