My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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