I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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