My cat gives me a boner
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
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