I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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