I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
