that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
