so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
