Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
