i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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