you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
His hands were made for my vagina.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
