My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
