How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
