Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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