JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
