im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Ketchup is God's man juice
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
