Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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