You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
COCAINE IS GR8
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
