I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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