what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
