ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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