I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
