I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
