she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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