Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
