her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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