Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Can you bring me the toilet please
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
