member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
