The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
